Saturday, January 31, 2009


it's times like this when i wish i lived in outer space.
your ongoing happiness makes me rage, and i feel like killing you.
it's not fair you get to have all the fun out of our break up. -_-

i sound like such a selfish bitch. but i really am jealous of you.
so jealous that it makes me want to hate you.

Friday, January 30, 2009


just going to ignore you.
i'm returning the favor.

funeral tomorrow. gudnight.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009


my blog is pretty now! so i'm gonna use it more.

pulling the plug was horrible. i think it made everybody really emotional.
just like the constant beeping of the heart monitor made me want to kill something.
after they turned off the respirator, it took a full 10 minutes for her heart to completely stop beating. those were the longest 10 minutes of my life.
we were all crying. but at least its over now.

i'm attending my very first funeral on saturday, and i'm scared to death. we were at a funeral home on sunday, and there was a dead person in the middle of the chapel. it freaked me out more than anything.

we haven't had school in 5 days. it's been snowing and raining.
it's kind of a relief, because school is just going to annoy me.

kay, i'm gonna watch axis power hetalia because there's nothing else to do. x_x

Friday, January 23, 2009


everything is in just a daze. like it's really hard to figure out whats real and what's not.

my aunt just died today.
i loved her. she was the first relative i'd ever really spoken and connected to. she was the nicest one to me, and never made fun of me when i was younger, like the rest of my family did.
i really did love her. and i feel so sad that shes still suffering. she's being kept alive with machines until my grandma gets here. and it's frightening. i never want to be in that state.
but i really, really, loved her. and i wish that she could have enjoyed things as much as i am with everything right now. but it's too late, so i think i'll try to keep her in my thoughts. i want her to feel what i feel.
i hope these words reach you. i love you, tita.

i also feel sad about being lied to. i mean, i know it's not a big deal, but when friends do that to you, it kinda just makes you feel like poop. because it's like they don't want to be around you, or something. i don't know. it's a kind of disappointed feeling.

i think i really just need to sleep.

Sunday, January 18, 2009


I figure this will take up most of my time.

By the way, happy 19th of January.
Thanks for the past year.
Not that it matters much anymore :p
Either way, thank you for always being there for me. And for caring.
You're one of the best friends I've ever had.

Friday, January 2, 2009


I fucking love photoshop. And sharing my creations with people. And being complimented.

Being rewarded for efforts feels nice.

Thursday, January 1, 2009


shit. wow. i just watched this movie called 5 Centimeters Per Second.
i swear, that is the saddest, most brutally honest movie i've ever seen.

it made me sad because out of everything, it reminded me of me and nard because of the long distance relationship reference.
and at the end of the movie, it didn't work out. just like me and him ended up.
but both the people were happy. and i hope i feel that way about him one day.
he's made the most impact on my life, after all. just like the girl did on the guy in the movie.
shit. it's like my life story, except animated and in japanese.

but out of everything, it made me think. alot.
people have a huge desire to stretch their arms out and reach for the heavens.
why? i think i would be happy enough to understand my reason for living.
but the thing is, i don't want to know that reason.
i want to have the thrill of trying to find it out.
fuck science and technology. i crave a knowledge for understanding, not logic.
knowing how everything works wouldn't mean happiness for me, because then there would be no bigger goal for me to chase. it's that intense feeling of trying to understand that makes me happy.

i also realized from the movie that when i'm older, i want to live in a country type of home near the ocean. and listen to the crickets at night. and lay in a grass field and look at the stars. and just think, in peace, with the beauty of nature surrrounding me. that would make me feel infinite, out of all things.

i love movies that make you think and change your perspective of things.