!

I need to post this somewhere.
Originally posted on my tumblr, but it makes my tumblr have something disgusting in it. And I don't want that.
Blogspot sucks. kthainkz.


Dear Anonymous,

I have never met anyone as unpleasant as you. EVER.

You never shut the fuck up, do you? Quit your bitching. All you do is troll on what other people care about. You always say that people can’t do shit to change anything, but doesn’t this apply to you, too? You will never change shit, even when you write a huge, wordy paragraph, because all you talk about is how something is impossible to accomplish. That isn’t gonna change someone’s opinion on something, if they have enough heart to believe what they believe in. And nothing is impossible.

And isn’t it funny how you say it’s a joke whenever you voice your opinion by trolling on someone? What the fuck is that? Just say what you mean. Don’t get all defensive when people start getting angry at you. Take responsibility, SERIOUS responsibility, for what you say.

And most of all, quit fucking looking down on people because of their music taste. That’s just fucking dumb. MUSIC IS MUSIC, IT IS MEANT TO BE ENJOYED. THERE IS NO “BEST” GENRE. What people enjoy DEPENDS ON THE INDIVIDUAL.

I seriously hope that one day you get over your sickening superiority complex.

Regards, Kat.
PS, QUIT FUCKING TROLLING. OMFG, SRSLY. YOU’LL GET SHOT. K, THANKS.

This kid SERIOUSLY trolled on Invisible Children. Invisible Children, AND my best friend. i have never seriously hated someone, but if anything, he deserves it. I am so sick of his shitty attitude.

'kay. bye forever, blogspot. i have shared an enormous amount of memories with you.

50.

hmm, i lost all my guitar picks. fail.

i have no idea how i'm going to make money this summer. i'm going to be in arizona for a month, then harry potter/em's bday/warped, the show at hershey park, etctc. and then i need some more community service hours. how can i fit a job in between?

solution: learn a bunch of songs on guitar and go busking.
i also want tap shoes...so i can have some sort of drumming going on while i play.

even though i'm the equivalent of epic fail, i'm excited.


this was an awesome 50th entry. -sarcasm-
i like livejournal better.

49.

i'm quite in love with these six boys.


five things that i've learned from them.
1. perms aren't all that bad.
2. boys with boots are perfectly acceptable.
3. its quite possible for the male race to be sweet.
4. japanese people are beautiful +_+
5. if you can dance, sing, and play guitar, you can make any girl on earth faint.

48.

dear teeny boppers,

robert pattinson and edward cullen are two different people.
stop orgasming over him just because he fulfills your fantasies when he acts as edward.

kthx,
lovefromkat.

47.

aigoo. i love reading fashion blogs.

hah. it's funny. i don't even sigh anymore.
i've reverted to saying 'aigoo' under my breath.
korean culture is conquering my mind.



today, i feel particularily creative and productive, and it makes me feel infinite.

46.

TOPIC OF THE DAY: MY FAILURE IN LIFE

okay. SHIT. what the hell am i gonna do with my life?
obviously i can't get by on photography. so something where i can see the world and bring my camera with my job.

foreign affairs correspondent, am i right? i dig that stuff. get a degree in humanities.
but no, i don't wanna go to africa. i'm afraid i don't want aids.

journalist? my mom doesn't dig the starving artist thing even though i do.
i'm strongly considering it.

BUT THATS WHERE I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE.
fuck everything. if all else fails, i'm opening a small coffee shop in new york city and living off of that.

45.

i am both sad and happy
and i am still trying to figure out how that could be.

wish.

if you wish it,
wish it now.
if you wish it,
wish it loud.
if you want it,
say it now.
if you want it,
say it loud.

44.

overdramatic. fanatic. obsessed. sensitive. caring. unusual. quiet. relaxed. obnoxious. thoughtful. insightful. intellectual. childish. explorer. idiotic. brilliant. logical. idealist. dreamer. hopeful. observant. wallflower. artistic. creative. determined. lethargic. resourceful. retarded. silly. serious.

i'm taking a shot at describing myself, and i've discovered that i am just a big mix of contradictions.

43.

i would love nothing more than to just be your friend, and to talk to you.

too bad i'm so good at awkward-ing things up.
i also blame my knack of kicking and then killing conversations.

42.

i'm not getting any younger.

what the fuck. today i was dreaming about my future, blah blah, the usual. then my grandma reminded me...
that i'm graduating next year.

THAT IS SO SCARY TO THINK ABOUT. i have one year left until i become a productive member of society, and quite frankly, i'm not anticipating it. at all. and whats worse than that is the fact that i feel like i have accomplished NOTHING the past sixteen years of my life.
now i feel so stupid for dreaming about what will be. i mean, it's important, and it's what i want more than anything, but i spend so much time focusing on it that i don't participate in life.

so today, i'm making a vow to change myself a little. i'm going to be more daring, obnoxious, and exciting as ever. no more staying in the background. i want to change before i regret not doing anything.


right now my mom said 'college' and 'kathy' in the same sentence. fuck you.

41.

three things.

1. i love new york city.
2. i managed to finish goong last night, and it made me really happy.
3. i miss new york city.

40.

hmm. my mom took away my privilege to get down with my friends today, and i've spent the past 5 hours listening to old songs i used to love.
as a result, i feel the need to write the importance of my top 15 most played songs (according to iTunes) on my blog.
in order...

1. Call To Arms by Angels and Airwaves (1,712 plays)
- song of my sophomore year, i swear. every morning, every afternoon, every night before i went to sleep, i would listen to this and dream about walking up a big hill and reaching the top and screaming the chrorus.
I FEEEEEL YOUR HEAAARRRTTT. FUCKING EPIC SHIT.

2. Sirens by Angels and Airwaves (775)
- i think this had so many plays because i would leave it on repeat in the past when i talked to nard on the phone, and i would fall asleep with it on. but this is a really great song...i like your eyes wide.

3. Spaceman by The Killers (682)
- HAHA. this song brought me back to the killers. it's the only song i liked off of day and age, but it basically made up for every other song. it is so FUCKING great. i really like the bass when bflow starts singing the 'my global position systems are vocally adressed'. sexy. and then the beginning and the end are so much fun to sing along to. i dream of singing that on top of a hill, too. i must have a fetish/huge desire to do that.

4. Kelsey by Metro Station (603)
- THIS HAS SO MANY PLAYS BECAUSE I USED TO PLAY MAPLESTORY TO THIS SONG ALL THE TIME. I SWEAR. plus the fact that i thought it was the cutest song ever last year. but that's a secret.

5. Everything's Magic by Angels & Airwaves (599)
- another part of my fetish for singing on top of hills. and it's really catchy and i can dance to it! but i have alot of memories connected to this song...like drooling and crying over justin. silly bsns, that was.

6. Make Out Kids by Motion City Soundtrack (536)
- sweeet bass line. the lyrics also connected with my freshman year crush and led to me thinking about him. and i swear, thinking about him would make me feel infinite.

7. Just Like Heaven by The Cure (445)
- favourite song in the history of forever? i think so. this is the best love song, hands down.

8. The Antidote by The Hint (443)
- AWW. MY VERY FIRST LOCAL SHOW @ RM. that was the best. and then getting to know the band themselves, and drooling over timmy and harrison wargo. these were the best times. besides that, i love the lyrics. "i hope you see this is real, i promise never to change."

9. Guilty Pleasure by Cobra Starship (437)
- HMM. i remember falling in love with this song while procrastinating on my photography essay. and the music video was so cool! so freaking catchy. this is the song that really got me into cobra.

10. Take Care by A Change of Pace (415)
- continually reminds me of the first time i almost fell in love. haha. crushes make me feel alive.

11. When the Day Met the Night by Panic at the Disco (406)
- MY FAVORITE PANIC SONG. i could listen to this for hours. i used to. i still do. the lyrics are so cute, and it makes me dream in an old-fashioned kind of way. this song makes me feel infinite, too.

12. Mad As Rabbits by Panic at the Disco (360)
- REINVENT LOVE. another all time favorite.

13. Adelaide by Anberlin (341)
- this is getting repetative, but again, reminds me of my first almost love. i have so many songs for you.

14. The Patty Hearst Syndrome by Smoke or Fire (320)
- THE SONG OF MY SUMMER AFTER 9TH GRADE. going to canada/road trip with maribeth. i listened to this all the time, and i kept thinking about how much i relate to it. oh, and listening to it during health class. i loved that summer. and playing maplestory with my F5ers...oh my goodness. so many good memories with this song.

15. Blues Drives Monster by the pillows (309)
- this was the beginning of my sophomore year, when i was like TOOOTAALLY all over justin...lol. i loved this song because of FLCL, which was my favorite anime at the time. and i loved it because i could relate to justin about how great FLCL and the pillows were. this is my favorite song by them.

i think these are my favorite songs, ever.

39.

credit

it's so cute!
my favorite drama ended today. i feel empty.

38.

did i grow up in the past 2 weeks or something? looking at that blog below and the ones after the one with kim bum, it's like i'm two different people.
either way, i sound like an obnoxious dickhead in all of them. but i'm really not, i promise.
i guess this is what it means to move on...? good fun.


last night i stayed up listening to (semi) old songs by cartel, a change of pace, and anberlin. and i thought about the days that i would listen to these songs nonstop and just think about things...and certain people in particular.
i miss that feeling, you know? having a crush on someone and feeling infinite regardless if you were happy, sad or mad about something that happened with them. thinking back to those times makes me so happy. he really did make my freshman year.

it's strange though. when i think of someone i had a crush on, it makes me smile.
but it only makes me sad to think about someone that i've loved. and maybe still love. even though he has a girlfriend now. i guess feelings like that change but also stay the same.

now i realize that falling in and out of love with someone is some scary business. because once you have that first feeling and it disappears, you can never really feel the same about anyone else again.


did you enjoy me being all psychological? i seem so cool when i get like this.

37.

hey, fuck college. i'm just trying to get through the day.

i thought that would be a cool opening.
hi blogger! i miss you.

but what i said is some truefax. i hate thinking about what i'm going to do in the future. it scares me. and the best part is that im very indecisive. so if i follow one thing i could be fucking my whole life. great, isn't it. i just want to live how i want and be at peace with that. i'm not sure if i even want to do that whole mission of changing the world. if everything worked how you wanted it to, what would you have to live for? living and dying for a cause is overrated and outrageous.
but even though i said all that, i still want to leave a mark on the world. or, at least, in someone's heart.
human kind is crazy, right?

and today, i realized that these are my glory days. the days i spend with all my friends and the things i do will probably be the best moments of my life. i realized that after school and all of this ends, what do you have to live for? a job. money. kids. those things are important, but i want more than that. this is completely selfish, but i want to own the world. i want to experience everything and show off to other people the things i've done. not to piss them off. or to boast. but to inspire them to do something with their life. and inspire them to do things never thought of. and in that way, leave my mark on the world.

and i realized that the best way to die would be in outerspace. right?
you should live looking at the stars, and die among them.

36.

^ the bottom picture. look carefully.



LOL I THOUGHT THAT WAS SO FUNNY.
'bb letz taek piks of each uder!' 'ogm kei cutie ;D'
cutest coincidence ever. kim sang bum :>!

35.

listen to the instrumental version of Miseinen by The GazettE. i guarantee it is the most beautiful thing you will ever hear.

34.

haha omg, again, i forgot about blogging.

huh. nothing new's really happened recently. i started watching this kdrama called hana yori dango. boys over flowers. whatever. anyways, it's super cute. and he's more of a supporting actor but kim beom is super cute. and he's nineteen. so i don't feel too guilty! and FUCK lee dong wook. is super delicious as well.
basically, i need a korean.

i have the need to write an incredibly long, meaningful blog! but nothing big has really happened, so i don't know what to talk about.

LOL JK I JUST THOUGHT OF SOMETHING.
alright. have you ever been unable to stop thinking about someone that you haven't even met? it's so lame. i mean, i always think about this one kid. he doesn't know me. i don't know him. but i like to imagine what he's like, and i dress him up in different personalities and looks because i don't know how he acts or what he looks like. but i really like him. so what i'm trying to say is i'm love with an image in my head. it's so sad though, because nobody is really like that. at least, nobody that i know. and yes, he's korean. i think it would be hilarious if i lived in one of those kdramas. that basically justifies my reasons for wanting to go to korea/seoul so much.

anyways, i just wish i could meet you, so i can get over all of this nonsense.

33.

LOL I FORGOT ABOUT BLOGGING.

okay, so i finished watching my girl. again.
it is so freaking cute. lee dong wook is adorable as anything.
AHHH HE IS SO ADORABLEEEEE

i love fangirling.
and yes, i went veg. yay!

32.

my tummy feels weird lately!
maybe cause i've gone vegetarian. all i've been eating is carbs.
garrr my tummy really hurts.

i must be crazy, or something. but koreans are cuties.


harhar i feel like watching my girl again. korean drama ftw?

31.

lol jaykay. fucking sam's town is the best.
humhumhum. happy march!

the past two nights i've been having really weird dreams. all having to do with the same person. i'm sure you can guess who it is. but in all my dreams, i killed him. like literally. two nights ago i had 5 consecutive dreams of him dying in different ways, by my hands. one with a baseball bat, one with poisoned soup, one where i ran him over, one with a gun, and one with me stabbing his eyes out with a paper fan. it's probably because i read that review for batte royale. i really nead to watch that, by the way. but i'm kind of scared to watch it alone because i'm afraid it'll scar me for life.

anyways, all these dreams i've been having just make me want to not know you at all. thinking about you always just gets me in a down mood. so i don't think i'll talk to you anymore. just when you talk to me, or something. yupyup.

my goal for today is to download every single killers b-side. i love them. akekeke.
i have these fanatical daydreams where i live in vegas and have a job as the killers photographer. ahhhh. only in my dreams, though.

i also had this awesome dream that YOUUUU were my brother. oh my gosh. you don't know how much i'd like that. i could take you everywhere. i don't know. maybe that's why i've always been attracted to you and always been stalking you. gahah you're so cute. not in a weird way, though. in a little brother kind of way. keke.

i lovelovelove dreams. but sometimes it hurts that it's not real.

30.

happy last day of february!

so that acrobat show shindig was pretty cool last night. i saw many pretty faces everywhere. and lots of little kids. and lots of asians. in other words, a sort of kat-esque place.
the show itself was really cool, too. the people were all bendy and had superduper dexterity.
i wish i could move like that.

i feel like i have alot of indirect things to say. but there's only one person, really. and its really long.

you're no fun anymore. we don't talk. what the fuck. i still want you to be my friend. update me a little on your life. i always feel like a loser, asking you how you are and you give me vague answers or you don't answer my question at all. let me innnnnn to your life! pleasee!
AND NOW I FEEL LIKE A LOSER FOR SAYING THIS.
i don't like feeling this way about you. it makes me feel needy.
please just talk to me once in a while.

huh. MGMT isn't all that bad.

29.

hmm. JUST KIDDING. the killers are amazing at singing. i just don't enjoy sam's town very much. hot fuss was the epic win, and day & age only has 4 or 5 good songs.

boys are disgusting.
please don't tell me you're masturbating to my pictures.
that makes me very uncomfortable. and i don't even know who you are.
so thanks for telling me this, dumb cunt.

NOTHING EXCITING HAS HAPPENED LATELY. all i am is stressed and tired. and blowing my nose.


i'm going to an acrobat show tonight. good fun.

28.

i feel like everything i listen to is a joke. which it isn't. because i have some really good music. but i feel like i haven't been exposed to enough music. which is a lie, because i've been more exposed than alot of people. i need something really good to listen to. i'm not sure what i'm looking for, though. i guess something that has really meaningful lyrics, the beat doesn't suck, it's not fucking br00t4L with the intense bass drums and guitar, and has a really sexy bass solo somewhere in it. and there definitely needs to be some synthesizer in there. i feel like i should just listen to the killers, now. but that's dumb, because even though brandon flowers is beautiful as fuck his voice doesn't appeal to me in half of their songs. dude, get a damn vocal teacher or something, because some of your songs suck and it's not because of mark, dave, or ronnie. it's your lame ass singing. JUST KIDDING. fuck. your voice is really sexy. i love having it ringing in my ears. maybe it's dave's fault that i'm not into some of your songs. i mean, he has his moments. but he needs to clean up that fucking puff ball for a head of his because it's very unattractive. you look like a q-tip. a really ugly one, at that. i wouldn't be surprised if i found small pieces of food in there because you do a shit job of keeping it neat. i'm not really sure why i'm still talking about the killers. but that's my rant.

dammit, katherine anne fucking tordil.
do your damn macbeth essay.

edit: 7:58 pm
okay, i'm totally procrastinating.
but i made this. so i'm productive too. kinda.

27.

i have that feeling, YET AGAIN, where you feel completely stupid and just a failure.
i don't even know why. i've been like this all day.
i'm procrastinating horribly, again. i need to do my reading questions, my comparative essay, and my macbeth paper. it's all so much.
and i don't do shit.
what is wrong with me.

and the weirdest part is that i don't know what to listen to.
i ALWAYS, always, always know what i want to listen to.
something's wrong with me. i'm failing to do anything.

man, fuck computers.

26.

i really don't understand how people can put up with tea. it's disgusting.

25.

my mom says i haz flu. :(
although idk whether to believe her or not. i feel kind of okay right now.


happyhappyhappy19th.
you are still the dusk to my dawn.

24.

i am so indecisive it's crazy.
and the fact that i keep thinking about my future makes me even more insane.

i mean, i'm flipping out because i'm afraid that being a photographer will result in me being a hobo in the streets, or something. and that's stupid, because things usually don't turn out like that. usually.
and i'm flipping out because i know that if i become one we can never be together again.
and i'm flipping out because i have this huge desire to be a nurse even though i'm not sure if i'll be happy living like that.

AND THAT'S JUST IT. ITS ALL FUCKING STUPID.
maybe none of that will happen.
man, i am just freaking out over nothing.
fuck the future.

i should listen to my own advice and go with the flow of things.

note to self.

colleges i'm seriously thinking of attending. don't forget.

UMBC
San Francisco Art Institute

mmf. add more eventually.

23.

okay, awesome. i love retreats.

mount 2009 was the epic win. bonding with my youth groupies and watching cute boys make my life. and jesus, too. jesus is a cutie. i'm not going to go all crazy fanatical over my religion but i just want to state that, yeah, i do believe in these things, whether they may be real or not. in the end, it always comes down to the concept of the religion.

anyways, i loved it. and waking up at 5am and running to the shower. and walking to breakfast. and just ARG i wish i could repeat it again. i'm really going to miss it.

but most of all, i think bonding with mb was cool. i mean, yeah, we've been best friends since 4th grade, but i don't know, it felt like we could talk more. haha yeah.

great weekend.

22.

me (8:39:35 PM): is that all youre gonna do with yo girl
me (8:39:39 PM): what a horrible boyfriend
kevin (8:39:42 PM): fuck no
kevin (8:39:46 PM): dude im a good bf
kevin (8:39:51 PM): i dont even care bout that shit
kevin (8:40:06 PM): mostly i wanna hold her in my arms and kiss her and hold her hands
me (8:40:10 PM): AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
me (8:40:19 PM): thats cute!
me (8:40:24 PM): ahaha i wish every boy was like that
kevin (8:40:39 PM): haha theyre not?
me (8:40:46 PM): well ya know
me (8:40:48 PM): some of them
me (8:40:55 PM): all they think about is their penis
kevin (8:41:07 PM): thats retarded
kevin (8:41:17 PM): i mean yeah its fun but its not all about that crap

AW. kevin is so sweet. his gf is lucky to have him.
hearing him say that gives me hope for all boys.
and it also really makes me miss being in love.

it feels like something is missing. :(
ah well. i'll be happy in due time 8]

RETREAT FOR THE WEEKEND BBN.

21.

playing music makes me feel better about alot of things. mhm.

haha, you're back to your old ways.
i feel lame for not being able to stop you.
but i can't. so i'll just stay in the background
and hope nothing goes wrong.
i just hope the drugs don't kill you.

and now i'm thinking back to the time you said you hated people who did pot and told me to never do it because it was disgusting.
hypocritical, now, aren't we?

20.

thank you for telling me you still love me.

19.

12. Get Mom a really nice birthday present.

Yeah. Fuck. I have no money.
so much for my 12th goal.
There's always next year, though.

You know, my family really makes me rage sometimes. I came home last night and my mom walks up to me and says, "KAT, IT WAS SOOO FUNNY. Your kuyas were talking about ____ and making fun of her and mimicking those idiotic expressions she makes."
I'm not going to reveal any names because that would be kinda offensive.
But yeah. what the hell. That is such a dick move.
My cousins are always cordial (LOL VOCAB WORD WIN) and gentleman-like (lulz) around company, and then when they all leave they just talk a bunch of shit about them. I mean, they're just like their mom, except she doesn't know when to shut up.

I just found it really offensive because they've only met her once and after that they say all this shit. They have no basis of explanation, and no right to say anything about her. And i've known her for half my life, so i'm being particularily defensive.

It just pisses me off that my mom wants me to be just like them. Like what, be nice but be a total bitch behind peoples backs?

I know they have good intentions, but I just wish my mom didn't tell me to look up to them so much.

18.

lawlz. i exploded this afternoon.
friggin photoshop freezes on me. and i was working on stuff for like 2 hours and i didn't save ANY of it.
90873905u3jopmds;kl

edit/
ALRIGHT YOU FUCKING CUNT.
DON'T FUCKING TALK SHIT ABOUT MY BEST FRIEND.
especially when you're RETARDED-LY wrong.

i'm just gonna repeat things i read in your post. i don't care. fuck you, brandon.

"You're a self-centered bitch who just gossips about other people because you've got no real friends to actually talk to."

okay, what in the FUCK are you talking about. we don't gossip. We tell honest things people have said about us to each other. You call that gossiping? I call that telling a friend what someone ELSE is gossiping about, shithead. and FYI, WE NEVER SAID ANYTHING BAD ABOUT YOU. we were just talking about what you called emily to other people, because yeah, we saw what you fucking said to people on AIM. and you fucking dumb bitch, emily has me and maribeth. we're as real as they get. don't assume shit.

"You bitch about your life, how it's so horrible, when your parents make great money. "
HA. HA. HA. WHAT. HER DAD DOESN'T LIVE WITH HER, AND HER MOM HAS NO JOB.
(sorry for putting that up there. i felt the need to contradict his stupidity with facts.)
GREAT JOB ASSSUMING SHIT. dumb fuck.

You cry about getting fucking 89%'s on tests.
dude, if you fucking knew emily's life story, i KNOW you would not be saying this.

this one gave me the epic lulz
You blog about how much drama you have with guys when I'm certain there isn't a guy in the world that would even give you a second glance. You change your haircolor every god damn month, and it just gets uglier every time. You always manage to be there when I hang with my friends, and someday, I'll rip you out in front of everyone, and it'll be the greatest moment of my life up to that point.
THIS IS WHY EVERYONE THINKS YOURE AN OBNOXIOUS DICKHEAD.

god. i hate you so much for thinking you know everything about emily when you don't know anything.
I CANNOT EMPHASIZE THIS ENOUGH.
YOU ARE THE MOST IGNORANT PERSON I HAVE EVER MET IN MY LIFE.

17.

HAHA OKAY. freaky dream last night.
i vaguely remember it, but i lived in a hotel. it was kind of like the one in the suite life of zach and cody. but it was 100 floors taller and it was insane. the people that lived there were all like crazy hobo women and their sons, and the doors were all green. anyways, i lived with maribeth and emily, and the place looked exactly like maribeth's house. we prank called brandon flowers and then he magically appeared in my room and we were just kind of staring at each other. i'm pretty sure i kissed him.

LET ME REPLAY THAT IN MY HEAD JUST A COUPLE TIMES.

okay. then everything changed and i was in like those really old 20's type of cars and i was driving thorough a place with alot of trees. then we found a lake and it felt like i was floating, or i was in one of those miyazaki films.

anyway, that's it. it was really cool.
by the way, steelers suck.

edit/
HAHA I JUST LOLED ALL OVER THE FLOOR.
http://community.livejournal.com/caps_thekillers/409571.html

16.

alright, i'm done. i was listening to human earlier, and i realized its foolish to get angry, especially at petty things.
no more being stupid. i can't prevent what you do. when you're happy, i should take some hope from that, and think that i'll be happy too, eventually.

so now i think i'll be able to cope with you doing what you want.
who knows? maybe years from now i'll think that being in love with you was silly.

15.

it's times like this when i wish i lived in outer space.
your ongoing happiness makes me rage, and i feel like killing you.
it's not fair you get to have all the fun out of our break up. -_-

i sound like such a selfish bitch. but i really am jealous of you.
so jealous that it makes me want to hate you.

14.

just going to ignore you.
i'm returning the favor.

funeral tomorrow. gudnight.

13.

my blog is pretty now! so i'm gonna use it more.

pulling the plug was horrible. i think it made everybody really emotional.
just like the constant beeping of the heart monitor made me want to kill something.
after they turned off the respirator, it took a full 10 minutes for her heart to completely stop beating. those were the longest 10 minutes of my life.
we were all crying. but at least its over now.

i'm attending my very first funeral on saturday, and i'm scared to death. we were at a funeral home on sunday, and there was a dead person in the middle of the chapel. it freaked me out more than anything.

anyways.
we haven't had school in 5 days. it's been snowing and raining.
it's kind of a relief, because school is just going to annoy me.

kay, i'm gonna watch axis power hetalia because there's nothing else to do. x_x

12.

everything is in just a daze. like it's really hard to figure out whats real and what's not.

my aunt just died today.
i loved her. she was the first relative i'd ever really spoken and connected to. she was the nicest one to me, and never made fun of me when i was younger, like the rest of my family did.
i really did love her. and i feel so sad that shes still suffering. she's being kept alive with machines until my grandma gets here. and it's frightening. i never want to be in that state.
but i really, really, loved her. and i wish that she could have enjoyed things as much as i am with everything right now. but it's too late, so i think i'll try to keep her in my thoughts. i want her to feel what i feel.
i hope these words reach you. i love you, tita.

i also feel sad about being lied to. i mean, i know it's not a big deal, but when friends do that to you, it kinda just makes you feel like poop. because it's like they don't want to be around you, or something. i don't know. it's a kind of disappointed feeling.

i think i really just need to sleep.

11.

I figure this will take up most of my time.

http://katytee.blogspot.com/
:)

By the way, happy 19th of January.
Thanks for the past year.
Not that it matters much anymore :p
Either way, thank you for always being there for me. And for caring.
You're one of the best friends I've ever had.

10.

YAYYY I'M LIKE SQUEEING WITH JOY.
I fucking love photoshop. And sharing my creations with people. And being complimented.

Being rewarded for efforts feels nice.

9.

UUGHHH!!
shit. wow. i just watched this movie called 5 Centimeters Per Second.
i swear, that is the saddest, most brutally honest movie i've ever seen.

it made me sad because out of everything, it reminded me of me and nard because of the long distance relationship reference.
and at the end of the movie, it didn't work out. just like me and him ended up.
but both the people were happy. and i hope i feel that way about him one day.
he's made the most impact on my life, after all. just like the girl did on the guy in the movie.
shit. it's like my life story, except animated and in japanese.
UGGGHHHHH.

but out of everything, it made me think. alot.
people have a huge desire to stretch their arms out and reach for the heavens.
why? i think i would be happy enough to understand my reason for living.
but the thing is, i don't want to know that reason.
i want to have the thrill of trying to find it out.
fuck science and technology. i crave a knowledge for understanding, not logic.
knowing how everything works wouldn't mean happiness for me, because then there would be no bigger goal for me to chase. it's that intense feeling of trying to understand that makes me happy.

i also realized from the movie that when i'm older, i want to live in a country type of home near the ocean. and listen to the crickets at night. and lay in a grass field and look at the stars. and just think, in peace, with the beauty of nature surrrounding me. that would make me feel infinite, out of all things.

i love movies that make you think and change your perspective of things.